Any marriage is complicated. But, marriage in ministry? Whew, let me catch my breath.
We all carry something into marriage: our upbringing, our past, our preferences, and our personalities. But when you add the layer of ministry, church leadership, expectations, judgments, etc, the challenges can catapult marriage into a different stratosphere with some of these realities:
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- You may feel isolated and unable to share with him your burdens because you don’t want to add one more to his.
- You may feel like the third wheel to his calling and might even resent it.
- You may feel like a single parent doing all the hard things on your own like potty training, bath and bedtimes, discipline, curfews, etc.
- You may feel guilty that you need him too as you see him work hard to meet the needs of the church.
I get it. It can be difficult to feel all these things in the privacy of your heart and still smile on Sunday.
Messy marriages are biblical. God does not shy away or “pretty up” the realities of two broken people trying to love each other. Think about the love triangle between Jacob, Rachel, and Leah. Think about David and his adultery with Bathsheba. Think about Abram, Sarah, and Hagar in Genesis 16.
God promised Abram and Sarah a child years before. But, Sarah was getting old and impatient. So, she hatched a plan: Abram would marry her servant Hagar to give her the God-promised child. He agreed. Oh boy, so messy and complicated.
As you would assume, jealousy and hatred quickly festered during the pregnancy. Sarah mistreated Hagar. and she fled. But amid this painful situation, God found Hagar and through an angel said the sweetest truth to her. Hagar responded with this:
She [Hagar] gave this name to the Lord who spoke to her: “You are the God who sees me,” for she said, “I have now seen the One who sees me.” Genesis 16:13, NIV
God saw her in the messy, in the difficult, in the painful, in the suffering, and in her running. Remember, God sees you in your marriage and loves you right where you are.
What can you do when you are in the middle of a messy marriage?
- Pour it ALL OUT to Jesus in prayer: the good, the bad, and the ugly. You don’t have to keep up appearances with him. Trust in him at all times, you people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge. Psalm 62:8 NIV
- See the mess for what it is and talk to God about it. Be brave to call out the ugly things.
- Be in the word to gain a rootedness in his truth.
- Ask God to show you when and how to share with your husband what you feel.
- Seek wise, trusted counsel to gain some context and framework.
Marriage is messy. But, God is good at cleaning up messes in the best of ways.
Written by: Amy Petersen